Starting or expanding your family is the most exciting and happiest time of your life, right? Well... sometimes… but not as often as we might believe…
The unspeakable truth is that for many this journey is very different from the ‘official’ narrative.
During my own struggles with secondary infertility and multiple miscarriages, I discovered that there was a lack of outlets for sharing my story. People were very quick in dismissing my experience by basically telling me that I shouldn't be worried and often providing unsolicited guidance. I now understand that those around me found it challenging to witness my anxiety and heartbreak.
These experiences prompted me to make a career change and become a therapist. I wanted to provide the emotional support that I had needed and eventually received by a counsellor during one of the most difficult periods of my life .
If you are currently navigating a challenging fertility journey or trying to support a loved one in this phase of life, I have compiled a brief and non-exhaustive list of key points that have helped many individuals I've worked with in a therapeutic setting.
My intention is to validate your experiences and offer inspiration regarding aspects you can control during this uncertain and sometimes overwhelming time.
1. Pick your own team
When sharing infertility worries, responses like "Just relax! Stay positive!" can invalidate your feelings. The reality is that not everyone is equipped to understand and support you during a complicated fertility journey, so give yourself permission to pick your own team!
Look around for people who you know possess already listening skills. Also, people who went through a similar experience may be better equipped in witnessing your feelings. They can be family, friends, colleagues, community members or maybe support groups or a counsellor specialised in fertility struggles
Tip: Guide your support network on how to help you, being clear on your needs: if you want for them to listen to you, without any judgement or guidance, clarify this at the beginning. It is a totally valid request!
2. Coping with Overwhelming Anxiety
I feel a profound sense of injustice when women and men, who are already having a hard journey to parenthood, are also blamed that their anxiety is the cause of their infertility.
Trying to have a baby is a unique circumstance where the outcome can be beyond our control, despite our best efforts. The uncertainty and prolonged waiting periods during this process naturally give rise to anxiety. It is essential to recognise that anxiety is a consequence, not a root cause!
But if we feel overwhelmed, it is maybe time to expand our window of tolerance to anxiety and regain some sense of control through self-care.
First step is to figure out what makes you feel good for real – not following generic advice from self-proclaimed experts, but identifying your own genuine sources of comfort.
Second necessary step is to consciously plan those actions in your daily routines and reinforce the boundaries around them - making our self-care a priority.
Everyone has their own unique strategies through tough times, but if you're struggling to find yours, start with these 3 broad categories:
- Activities that helps burn off that extra anxiety energy, like working out, taking a walk, doing chores around the house, playing in a team sport, dancing to your favourite music or maybe resting (taking a nap is my go-to strategy if I feel overwhelmed!)
- Activities that support Co-Regulation: chatting with a good listener or someone who makes you feel calm, spending time in nature, or playing with a furry friend
- Activities that help you staying in the present: grounding yourself, breathing exercises, practicing mindfulness through the 5 senses, getting lost in a hands-on task like gardening, cooking, puzzles, painting by numbers, pottery, or savouring a nice cup of tea in your favourite mug
Tip: Try to remain active and do things that you enjoy. Once you've found a variety of coping strategies that really click for you, weave them into your self-care routine as much as possible. This can help you expanding your window of tolerance and handle anxiety better in the long run
3. Give Yourself Permission to Feel All the Emotions
The journey through fertility is like an emotional roller coaster, filled with ups and downs like hope, sadness, shock, and anxiety. You might also feel things that are tough to talk about, like anger, depression, envy, jealousy, bitterness, guilt, blame, self-pity, denial, urgency, and sometimes even relief when a loss ends the waiting. These raw emotions can be really painful and often feel taboo.
A lot of people notice the gap between how they truly feel and society's push to stay positive and move on. It's tough to find someone who can just sit with our negative emotions and acknowledge them. And when we start buying into what others say, we might wonder what's wrong with us.
The truth is, all these feelings are normal and valid. They're just our body and mind's way of reminding what's important to us. Keeping it all inside isn't helpful; it'll just lead to an explosion or, even worse, an implosion.
Let yourself feel. Allow yourself to share your story and your perspective. Find someone who can listen without trying to fix things, just to be there and validate what you're going through.
Tip: If your support system isn't around, try expressing yourself through writing or other creative outlets. You might also consider setting aside time each week to explore your feelings with a support group or seek individual counseling.
4. Plan for soothing
The ups and downs of emotions during the fertility journey often follow a pattern. We can predict a moment of crisis depending on our cycles or doctor appointments. Anxiety hits hard while we’re waiting for results. It usually gets almost unbearable the week before the pregnancy test. Sadness and grief peak when we get our period, see a negative test, or get bad news from the doctor. It’s totally normal to feel sad and mourn those losses.
Remember, it’s okay to take your time to deal with these feelings. You can help yourself by having a self-care pack and a list of comforting things ready or, even better, planning those activities in your calendar for those days.
When thinking about your soothing strategies, don’t worry about whether they’re right or wrong, healthy or not, just focus on what works best for YOU. On those tough days, give yourself permission to comfort yourself.
Just as an example, maybe some of these could be on your list: a relaxing bath, a massage, shopping, reading a book, listening to music, enjoying some ice cream or wine, cuddling up, getting active, resting, crying, palying videogames, watching a Netflix series, screaming into a pillow, or writing down your thoughts.
Tip: Think back to your childhood and remember what used to calm you down. Maybe it was a hug from a loved one, playing with a pet, enjoying something sweet, drawing, or writing. Those childhood comforts can still help in your adult life.
5. Focus on the short term
Are we going to be parents next year? How's my body going to handle the treatments? Will I ever have a baby? We're so eager for answers. Not knowing is scary, and we're doing everything we can to fight it. We search for information, control, and comfort, but Dr. Google often just makes things worse.
The truth is, we don't have answers to those questions, and no matter how hard we try, we can't control the outcome of the fertility process.
Instead of fighting uncertainty, we can work on accepting that we're in a tough spot - but we can handle it.
One strategy my clients find really helpful is focusing on the short term, or what you CAN control right now. The more we think about the future, the easier it is to get overwhelmed by long-term uncertainty and lost in 'what-if?' scenarios.
Tip: With my clients, we usually define their tolerance for uncertainty: maybe it's the next 3 months until treatments end, the next 2 weeks until the pregnancy test, or just taking it day by day if anxiety is high. Work routine, self-care, little projects at home - focus on what you can control to balance the lack of control in your fertility journey. Try breaking down tasks into manageable, doable parts that you can tackle one at a time.
Hope this article has validated part of your experience and has given you some tips and ideas on how to take care of yourself during your experience with fertility issues. Many of my clients turned this experience in a journey of transformation, healing, and growth.
If any of the above resonates with you, speaking to a professional who specialises in this area within a safe confidential space can help you with finding a way forward.
If you would like to arrange a free, no obligation initial consultation with me, please feel free to get in touch through my website talkingwithirene.co.uk
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